Home Town Sweet Home Town
I am really excited and acutely animated to visit my hometown Kancheepuram for Deepavali after almost 3 months. This temple town has grown rapidly like a Complan kid for the past 5 years. Right from the standard of living to the cost of living everything has gone up. There are supermarkets, car showrooms, branded garments, good restaurants, foreign goods etc. There is nothing that we don’t have in Kancheepuram now except for the Statue of Liberty.
When it comes to people and their way of dressing, the town has seen a radical change. When I was young, I remember going to Chennai to buy clothes for festivals. That was largely because of the kind of garments available in the town and the taste of the inmates. They used to wear such bright shirts that would even affect the eyes of a blind man. The colors range from cotton candy color, bright yellow to all 7 rainbow colors in one. You cannot look into one shirt for more than a minute. When you walk on the roads during festival times, you’d require a sunglass to protect your eye. Even Color TVs in Kancheepuram came in Bright Pink, Bright green colors those days.
Shopping was one of the nightmares those days. There was no concept of supermarket or malls. If we get onions and tomatoes in the same shop, that is called the Supermarket. The only mall the inmates knew those days was GOL MALL. Nobody heard of home delivery of provisions and I remember the first time when it was introduced everybody started asking if it would be normal delivery or caesarian. Nowadays if you pay more, the provisions is not only getting home delivered, but they help in stacking it in the containers and very soon the time will come that they will cook, feed us and then leave I guess.
The girls in Kancheepuram were so not worried about their looks that it would reflect in their way of dressing. Their size would be 36-24-36 and that would be only for LEFT ARM. They used to be so fat that Government gave them a separate pin code. Their IQ level would be much less than their waist line. According to them Sherlock Holmes would be some Housing Project and Tiger Woods would be a thick forest in Africa. They were not interested in anything else other than gossiping. They had wonderful Sense of Rumor. But now, the trend has completely changed and the girls in Kancheepuram are scoring much more than guys in all the exams and they are getting more modern these days. They have started wearing clothes which start late and end early.
Even though there are changes in all coordinates, the nature of the people was, is and will be very good. They are so good natured that it would put heroes of Indian cinema to shame. There are certain things which will not be available in a city but only in a town. That is a different feeling altogether and should definitely be experienced to appreciate that. EAST OR WEST Kancheepuram is the BEST.

ROOT CANAL TREATMENT

One unpleasant evening I was sitting in my office canteen and was browsing through the menu card. From the time I joined, there was no change in the menu but only in the rates which increased like the BP of a patient being checked by a beautiful nurse. I finally settled with samosa without knowing the lethal consequence it would generate. First 2 bites were good, crisp and tasty. The third bite was toooo crispy than anybody would expect and I heard a crackling sound in my mouth. One of my teeth was half broken. Only “too” was remaining and “th” was gone. The next bite was so painful that I almost met my late grandfather and came back. That definitely called for a visit to the dentist.

I took Raji also with me to the dentist and we were waiting for our turn in the lobby along with some really weird patients. There was a huge guy with teeth so big like piano keys and they were so yellow that when he smiles the traffic might slow down. I guess if he drinks water it might turn into Maaza inside his mouth. There was one more lady whose teeth were so crooked that her mouth looked like a DIRECTIONS board. I was praying God that both of them should be the dentist’s first time patients and they should not have come to sue him for their condition. The clinic was so small, that if the doctor orders for a Large Pizza he has to come out and eat.
My turn came and both of us walked into the small clinic to be greeted by a soft looking person and his assistant. I explained my problem to him thinking that he would work on my broken tooth for 10 minutes and get that alright. He asked me to sit on the reclining chair and I reclined so much that I thought I was in Aerobics class. The spotlight was on me and he asked me to open my mouth wider, wider and more wider. If the dentist was a little short I would have accommodated him in my mouth itself. He spotted the problem and removed his gloves and kept the bizarre looking instrument back in its place. I was eager to know what the problem was. He said my “too” was infected and he has to do a ROOT CANAL TREATMENT (RCT). He showed me pictures of a tooth’s anatomy which looked like mountain ranges for me. He didn’t even wait for a YES from me and started his treatment.
He first gave me a local anesthesia and waited till I lost my sensation in that part. He then started working on the tooth and I had no clue what was happening. After a couple of minutes he asked me to spit in the basin and I saw myself spitting blood. I felt like a vampire with blood in my mouth. After sometime he asked me to leave and come after a couple of days. My second sitting with him was without any anesthesia. This time he started drilling to the root. The ROUTE to the ROOT was excruciatingly painful. He was drilling so deeply that I thought the “7 shaped” needle might come out of my head. I was slowly marching from being a DENTAL patient to becoming a MENTAL patient because of the pain. After a couple of more sittings, the similar procedure followed and I had a cap fixed on that part and was feeling much better. Finally he gave me the bill and I should really accept the fact that was more painful than the whole process.

Size Zero
I guess most of you know by now what this term means; Size 0 is a woman's clothing size in the US Catalog Sizes system, believed to be equivalent to a UK size 4 or a Europe size 30. It is also a concept within the fashion media relating to models with low body mass. (Courtesy: Wikipedia). Actually it should be relating to models with ABSOLUTELY NO body mass. The models in the fashion industry nowadays are so thin that they can even take bath in a fountain pen. This concept has reached Indian models and actresses as well.

Yesterday I saw an article on a website which said Mallika Sherawat has shed some weight. Then only I realized that she can shed weight also(pun intended!!). Kareena Kapoor has lost so much weight that only Kareena is there and Kapoor isn't. We have to look at her twice to catch one glimpse of her. May be a double role in her movie will make us see her fully. I heard these actresses are using wrist bands as belts and they are disappearing if they turn sideways.

Obesity is an EXPANDING problem and my tummy makes me slightly (??) obese. But there are really obese people in my office for whom, if you take a photograph you have to write PTO on it as it would continue on the other side as well. If they go to a zoo, the elephants there would give them bananas and make fun of them. Even though I was not that fat, I was slowing proceeding towards that. I wanted to be on a diet and go to gym as any common man would think. I asked a dietician for advice. He asked me to cut down on only 2 things... SOLIDS & LIQUIDS. I think he wanted me to have Size zero but I would include a 5 before that zero. Being a food fanatic, I simply cannot accept that and decided to cut down on fatty items like egg and mutton. I was not so fond of eggs, the last one I saw was on my Maths exam answer paper but I love mutton. Some 2 years back when I sit to eat, there will be more number of mutton on my plate than the number of the button on my shirt. To cut it short, I was the perfect example of the saying "TASTE MAKES WAIST".

The next step is working out in GYM. I am that kind of a person who never even cross a Gym on my way to office. Now I had to go inside and work out. When I went there and had a look at others who were working out my mind was telling me that I m not these kinds. There was a guy whose body was perfectly built like a huge mall and the steps in the mall were on his tummy. I have heard of 6 pack abs but that was 8 pack. I was standing there with only one pack on my tummy - the FAMILY PACK. Then came a guy to talk to me and understand my requirements. He asked me to wear loose clothes when I come there for working out. I was telling myself that if I had loose clothes why should I come for working out. Being a very lazy person, I have decided not to go to Gym but try to reduce my tummy through dieting only.

I find it so difficult to diet or work out. I dont know how these models and actresses are living with only juices and salads and working out drastically. I feel they are becoming more weak than presentable on the ramp. If it continue to be like this one day we will have models who when they step on a weighing scale, the pointer would move the opposite side . We would like to see the models and actresses on the screen and not their skeletons.

Comedy of errors

Slightly drifting away from my usual way of writing, this post would bring a series of errors made by Indians of different origin while writing or speaking English. Most of us must have grown up knowing the common mistakes in English language especially made by our PT masters. Some of the common ones are "THERE IS NO WIND IN THE VOLLEY BALL", "THE CYCLE IS UNDERSTANDING THE TREE", "DONT GO THERE; PRINCIPAL IS ROTATING THE CORRIDOR","OPEN THE WINDOW,LET THE ATMOSPHERE COME IN" etc. But those have become classics by now. This post would bring you the modern mistakes from my own experiences.

When I was reading a newspaper in Coorg, the headlines on the 3rd page read "DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID Rs. 500" which can be interpreted anyway we want and another headline read "ONE POLITICAL PARTY (not telling the name for my own safety) IS FIGHTING OVER ITS DEAD LEADER'S ERECTION" (statue's). In the same newspaper one of the Ads read " WANTED: MAN TO TAKE CARE OF OUR COW THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK" and another slight mistake which conveys a totally horrible meaning would be from a different Ad " DOG FOR SALE: EATS ANYTHING;FOND OF CHILDREN".

When I had been to Madurai, I saw this board at the entrance of a famous restaurant "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE RECEPTION AND ENTER RESTAURANT". And after belting properly in the restaurant, as usual one of my friend's stomach was upset. So we had to take him to the doctor and on the way we saw one of the pawn broker's shop where his board read "LAL CHAND BROTHELS" instead of brothers. When we reached the Doctor's clinic, his signboard was no different and read "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN & OTHER DISEASES".

While all that are mentioned above are common mistakes made while writing, mistakes while speaking would be even more funny. Just as LOINS are the king of jungle in some places in India, JAIL will be used for sticking two broken parts. CARD (curd) will be used for eating and some of them drive their cars on RODS and have SNAKES with tea while some of them use PAIN for writing. Some of them even wear SHAARTS (shirts) on the top and SHAARTS (shorts) on the bottom as well.

When I had been to an antique shop for buying a gift for my friend's wedding, I found that shopkeeper to have a very funny accent. When I was looking for the gift, that guy was talking to his friend trying to play a prank with him. He dialled and asked "IS IT TREE,PHOR,ATE,NANE,PHIVE?" and I dont know what his friend replied. He laughed loudly with DTS Surround effect which reminded me of Ram Gopal Varma's funny ghost movies. He said "I WAS TASTING YOU!!" and again continued that Dolby laughter which made 2 bronze statues in his shop fall and break. Then he was talking about lunch and said I am having "PISS FRY" today and it seems that its a "GOLDEN PISS". I bought a bronze statue of a woman and took it near him for billing. He saw that statue 3 , 4 times thoroughly and asked innocently "DO YOU WANT ME TO RAPE IT FOR YOU??" I ran out of the shop as fast as I can till I PINISHED my RAN....