En Route to Paris with Jai

I simply cannot forget my Paris trip especially the flight journey with 17 other classmates of mine. We were supposed to do a two week project in France as part of our MBA curriculum. All of us assembled at the airport along with our parents/guardians who had come to see us off. There was this guy with us by name Jai, a typical innocent villager who was traveling in the flight for the first time. He was accompanied by his dad, mom, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, cousin, 2nd cousin, dad’s 2nd cousin and 22 others. In short, his whole village had come to see him off and the airport was so crowded that the authorities planned to put a House Full board outside which thoroughly confused the other flights set to land.

Jai was scared to death to travel in flight and at that time one of his relatives said “Yesterday I read in the newspaper that a flight was hijacked and all the passengers were held hostages!!” and Jai’s fear quadrupled. All 18 of us went inside to check in and the counters were so far off that I thought we need a chartered flight inside to reach our respective counters. Jai weighed over 250 pounds and his baggage weighed exactly double. He was asked to remove all unwanted stuff and he had no other option but to let go off the pressure cooker, food processor, 10 pounds of rice, and mini refrigerator filled with toffees.

After all the formalities, we were inside the flight and unfortunately my seat was next to Jai’s. He was so big that even Bill Gates would become poor paying for his liposuction. He found it very difficult to wear his seat belt in spite of being a green belt in Six Sigma. The flight attendant had to rope in 3 more meters of belt to fir Jai inside. Jai was praying sincerely that his journey should be safe and sound. He was not sure if it would be safe but it was definitely sound. A 3 year old baby boy cried at his full pitch which synchronized with the ignition sound. After a couple of minutes that boy was pacified by his mom and stopped crying yet I kept hearing crying sound. That was our big man crying sitting next to me and praying at the same time. Just then, we heard an announcement from the captain “WELCOME ON BOARD LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! THANK YOU FOR FLYING XYZ AIRLINES AND IT IS A GREAT PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU HERE. OH MY GOD”. Silence followed for about 5 minutes and all the passenger’s hearts were in their mouths. The announcement continued “I AM SORRY, WHEN I WAS TALKING TO ALL OF YOU THE ATTENDANT SPILLED SOME COFFEE ON MY TROUSERS. HA HA HA. NOW YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE FRONT OF MY TROUSERS”. I was telling myself, “Now you should look at the back of Jai’s trousers!!”

Jai suddenly got excited and called me to tell that his great grand father once told him that people will look like ants when you are in flight and how true it was. I blamed my destiny for sitting next to him and told him that they are actual ants and we haven’t taken off and still in runway. Finally, the flight took off and within few minutes we were 35000 feet above the sea level. By that time Jai was also out of the fear and was enjoying his journey. He wanted to start off with his obsession, passion, fascination, ambition – EATING. He kept calling the flight attendant so many times and the ring of the bell that calls the attendant was so frequent that it reminded of a telephone ring. He had breakfast, lunch, dinner and evening snacks together at the same time as an appetizer. Then Jai started off with his second obsession, passion, fascination, ambition – SLEEPING. I thought I would be relieved of all his troubles while he sleeps. But the kind of person he is, he didn’t let me be in peace by his Electric Motor Simulated SNORING. He snored so much that the pilot thought there was some problem with the engine and double checked before continuing. All the passengers in the flight except Jai forgot the meaning of sleeping. Finally we reached Paris and all of us were ready to get out of the flight and Jai was still sleeping. All of us including the pilot were trying to wake Jai up and he wouldn’t budge. Then we almost emptied the Pacific Ocean by throwing liters and liters of water on him and he woke up and asked “IS IT RAINING? I FELT FEW DROPS FALLING ON ME”. I simply pitied the condition of the French people who were going to undergo the after effects of a massive virus entry into their Homeland. I got to find out after reaching Paris that the entire crew of our flight resigned after landing.

Diwali ‘08

I know it is way too late to write about Diwali but I wanted to pen down my experience now as the next Diwali is also fast approaching. This was my first Diwali after marriage and it really was very special. We went to Raji’s parents’ house to spend DIW (first part of Diwali!!) I always maintain distance with their pet dog Chintu, a Lhasa apso as both of us are scared of each other. He has so much hair that would even cover his eyes and one day I incidentally mistook him to be my towel and lifted him just to feel his teeth impression on my hand with a profound pain. Amongst all his duties, he would never forget to make me feel jealous by coming near me and quiver his body which will make all his hair to move in all directions and go back with a sense of achievement.

I woke up early in the morning, took oil bath, wore new clothes and was all set for a festival to begin. My FIL had already bought some crackers for me to burst and I did some justice to that. I was fascinatingly bursting crackers after about 15 years. 2000 and 5000 wala were the two to begin with. The later started in the morning and didn’t stop until noon. Chintu was scared to death at the sound of the crackers like any of his fellow beings. Knowing that I was the reason for the continuous sound for about 3 hours, he got even angrier at me and this time his quiver near me was much more powerful than before.

My MIL is a wonderful cook and the afternoon lunch was splendid with all the items of Ponnuswamy present on the plate except for the bill. From mutton biriyani to fish fry and from chilly chicken to prawns fry everything was there and after eating my plate was looking like Kurukshetra Warfield. We relished the food, took some deserving rest and proceeded to Kancheepuram in the evening. The road in which my in-law’s house was located underwent some repair and the hole the corporation dug was nastily closed. It resembled a small mountain and when my FIL’s car crossed that there was a loud scratching sound from beneath the car. That small mountain left a deep scar on the car as well as on my FIL’s heart. His HONDA CITY was subjected to CHENNAI CITY’S ATROCITY. .

I got so interested in bursting crackers especially the ones which go upwards and burst in the midst of the air with lots of colors. On the way we thought we will buy some to burst in my house for the evening and went to a shop. There were lots of new varieties of crackers and I really felt historic in that place. The shopkeeper introduced me to various new products like Abdul Kalam fire works which sends the rocket straight to the space and sometimes to the moon. There was Bipasha Basu rocket which goes up removes all its covers and then would burst and I was so surprised to see Sreesanth bomb which would be there in next day’s newspaper however it bursts. We selected a few and went home. Ali (Second part of Diwali) was with my parents in Kancheepuram which was equally great. New crackers, great food and Boring TV programs continued in the temple town as well.

I cannot forget this Diwali for one more important event which happened the previous evening. I met my role model, idol and icon – Crazy Mohan. We went to his play “Chocolate Krishna” after which I and Raji had a wonderful chance to meet him. He was such a down to earth person who readily agreed to pose for us inspite of being very busy in packing all the drama stuff. Special thanks to my FIL to make this happen. See attached photo.

GRADUATION DAY SPEECH

The following will be an imaginary speech for the college students on their Graduation Day.

Good Evening boys and girls!! It’s a great honor for me to address the energetic, ever naughty, mischievous, trend setting and a fashion crazy set of wonderful students. I thank the management for giving me the opportunity and at the same time really pity them for the grave mistake they have done by asking me to address you.

The reason I called you all Trend Setters is because of our people’s taste. They will blindly follow the college students. I remember when I was a student one day when we were working in the chemistry lab; some chemical fell on my friend’s jeans. When we tried to help him by cleaning it with some cloth, the color of the jeans near the thighs also sincerely came off along with the chemical. Then everybody started following that and it’s now called Faded Jeans. My other friend when he was going alone in the street, a couple of mad dogs chased him, bit him all over and his jeans was torn near the knees and now it’s a fashion. Nowadays people are ready to pay more for faded and torn jeans than for the normal ones.

The other common qualities of you all are that you don’t eat well. It holds good mostly for girls because they don’t eat well to maintain their figures. When I look at the girls out here, I have to keep telling myself that I am in a college not in an elementary school. You are all so skinny that you can even dodge raindrops. Please start eating well. When we were in college, our college girls didn’t pay so much attention to their figures and they ate reasonably well. One of the girls was so fat that when she fell in love, it broke.

Please start sleeping well as well. I know a college student who didn’t sleep one night as he had gone for a party. The next day he went to college in a drowsy state and went to Physics class instead of Economics. The professor was teaching about Atomic Fusion and Nuclear Fusion and this guy was left with only one fusion – Confusion.

I know the economic conditions are bad now for getting a job. Finding a job nowadays is like finding Tropicana in Tropic of Cancer. But I am sure you guys are capable of finding a wonderful job for yourselves. Please be confidant and you would definitely grow up in life. I once again thank the management and the teachers for giving me the opportunity to address all of you. You have been a wonderful audience. Eat well, Sleep well and LAUGH well. Thank you.